Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.