Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
