Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

perfect

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

peeping toms

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.