Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Des Moines Police having a normal one
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.