PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When your parents check you’re ok.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.