Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!