Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*