Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

😭😭😭

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

😩😩😩

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.