Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birth announcement for our third baby

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.