Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Ken is short for chicken
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.