professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous