Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

My work here is done

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

how it started vs how it ended

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?