Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Lol
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right