Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”