Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]