Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

bout dat hot dog summer

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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school