Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.