Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?