Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

me after eating Cheetos

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.