@TheThomason

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

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@PajamaStew

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@Kali_Mura

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@dance_blessed

Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”