Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
oh shit
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.