@MatCro

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

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@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@Michael1979

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

@Rollmaninoz

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@TheBoydP

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

@PleaseBeGneiss

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

@bransonreese

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.