Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
choose your gary
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
why neck hurt
