Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.