*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”