@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

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@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

@AimeeHelene1

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

@

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@GalaxyofGhosts

My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.

@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

@MissyBell71

When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.

@AmishPornStar1

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!