“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
A man of commitment.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.