@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

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@TheAlexNevil

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

@six_2_and_even

Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.

@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@Getnosexual

I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…

@SaveItForFest

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

@DevilryFun

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@AngelaEhh

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.