professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
they really do be looking like this
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.