Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

you will never know the true number of layers

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you