professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me :
All Day At Night
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours