professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.