professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
A family that plays together cheats.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…