professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
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If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Just how popey was the pope today?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.