Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

When they try to steal your moment.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”