professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
You Might Also Like
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”