professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
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“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Good morning!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
umm…
I would like even faster food.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.