Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?