professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Ha
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
