Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.