Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

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A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.


My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..


“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.


I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.


I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.


The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…


[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many


Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone


So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.


Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you