The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
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waiter: say when
other waiter: haha say it again
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: truth or dare
me: is Wyoming real
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.