BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*exercises sarcastically*
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.