@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

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@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.

@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken too

@aschiavone

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@Contwixt

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

@krishna_van

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

@KingPatrick24

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

@mattewe02

[trial]

judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son

me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor

judge: and the indecent exposure?

me: well now see I don’t even remember that

@RickAaron

My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”