@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

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@TimFernholz

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

@SJSchauer

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

@JoeCharles119

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

@NerishaLakha

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@Jeffwni

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@AristotlesNZ

We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.