Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis


Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?


me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare


I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.


Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*


We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.