It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You Might Also Like
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.