Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Me recordaron éste meme

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

fourth time’s the charm

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

The “baby” on the left….

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*