Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

🙂🐾

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

well this is just bullshirt

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.