Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

ㅤ

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Going to church you guys need anything

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over