Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Couldn’t recommend it enough.