Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.