professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*files a restraining order against reality*
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.