professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis