Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

this will hang in the louvre one day

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

This is me 🤣🤣

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.