professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.