professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
You Might Also Like
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well