Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

You have been warned.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??