Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

🤝