professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Some people were born into their job.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.