professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
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