Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.