professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
You Might Also Like
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb