Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.