professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
You Might Also Like
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.