professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.