professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.