professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
…żyje?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
That time Alicia messaged me
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.