professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My blood type is coffee.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.