professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery