professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
BaD BoY!!
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
need him
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.