Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.