Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
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❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[eulogy]
line?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.