Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”