Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster