professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Danger is very dangerous
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.