professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
You Might Also Like
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…