professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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A man of commitment.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
それは草
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.