professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.