professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
thinking about this
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.