Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.