Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime