professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this