Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU