Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I feel attacked.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!