Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.